I OVERHEARD, in the woman’s bathroom in a restaurant last weekend: “I just want a guy that will push me to be all I can be – become successful, rich and powerful with him by my side. Then I’ll divorce his ass for a younger, sexier version with more money like most influential men do. I’m so over all these men.”
I couldn’t help but burst into laughter. But this woman had a vision for her life. What had led her to get to this moment? Her deal-breakers were simple: there were none at this point. Anyone would do, as long as she got what she wanted.
How does one go through life without any deal breakers? Well, because…, okay, I don’t know. Let’s figure this out.
As fate might have it, I had a discussion with a new friend, Tafadzwa. I’ll definitely call him my new favourite Zimbabwean (no boys, this is not up for debate, it’s a fact). A Zimbabwean guy with different views on love. His deal breakers were, for me, an eye-opener into not just fighting the battle, but winning the war. Politics was not a deal-breaker for him. I have always thought, well if I’m voting for Zanu PF, I want a Zanu PF man; if I’m voting MDC, he must be the man with an MDC tattoo – Nelson Chamisa on his bicep. Commitment is everything!
You see, I went on a date a few months back. The guy said he was Republican and a staunch lover of President Trump and his policies. No joke, I left in the middle of the date. Yes, I left. But Tafadzwa takes a different view. “Just as long as you love each other, you can thrive with varied views and opinions, but of course you’ll definitely have some common ground on some issues for it to work. Dating someone doesn’t make them an extension of you, they remain unique individuals with personal tastes and again these differences we have are what make us all special in our own kind of way.”
So was I wrong? I was busy preaching about love and how powerful it is, yet I couldn’t express unconditional love when it came right to it. Ok, regroup! I’m not at this moment throwing away my philosophy of having deal breakers in a relationship. What if love truly works in the way we think? Love is kind, love is patient, love… is love. “A guy gets one chance to show you he cares. When he messes up, you walk,” I said before. But how many chances had I been given when I messed up in life?
Life is short, and no-one, not a single human being, has the right to tell you how you to live. If you have deal breakers, use them. Those red flags fly high for a reason. The more I talked to Tafadzwa, the more my mind got racing. His deal breakers you ask? He surprised me with this answer. “I think my deal breaker is radicalised thinking and extreme religion. I’m okay with non–extremists personally, say a Christian (no matter the level of seriousness, even a low-key doubter), but if my person converts to become a radical Muslim or Buddhist or vegan… basically if anyone always imposes anything on me I’ll move on,” he said. “Infidelity for me is dependent on the circumstances. If I relocate to a far-flung country and girlfriend lives in Zimbabwe, and things happen, I might forgive. But if someone exhibits intransigence and is not open minded, I’m not sticking around.”
Yes, mind blown! My list at this point, seemed unreal and not receptive to true love. The lady I met in the bathroom had made up her mind; she was not going to be hurt again and by God, she was going to take life, and love by the balls. There’s nothing to break, if you have zero expectations.
Whether you are in a long-term relationship or a short-term relationship, start somewhere. Have deal breakers. Some of us just exist. We don’t question our partners, we don’t remember why we wanted to date them; we don’t remember why we are hoeing (men and women alike) but we are in relationships and the world smiles at us. Honestly, that’s a lot people.
There are two extremes: no deal-breakers and too many deal breakers. There should be a balance to this list, I suggest. If you name everything under the sun, you will only wait to go to heaven and meet God. If you don’t have standards, well, I think the bathroom lady has made her point.
Last year, I dated a guy who seemed on the surface ideal. On paper, great, in real life… eh, not so much. I pretty much added an entry to my deal breaker list after I broke up with him. So, thank you ex of three months for being such an ass I had to write about you. Let’s guess which ones apply to him, shall we? And here we go:
- Selfish and self-centered. Please don’t be in a relationship if you are selfish.
- Anger issues or is physically abusive. I will call the police, there is not excuse.
- Bad in bed or has a low sex drive. Okay, bad sex is a sure way to send me packing. A girl has got to feel right! (I will so say You Only Live Once here).
- Already in a relationship or married. Umm no thanks, I don’t share.
- I don’t care how you got it, it’s not that kind of party, EVER!
- Racist and bigoted.
- Not a Christian. I love Jesus, I just love him, like seriously love him.
- Is lazy and doesn’t work.
- Is bad with money.
- Has children. If you can’t figure out which type of love goes to who, please stop immediately.
- Too needy. Don’t call me every five minutes, I actually work and have a life. I often wonder about men who don’t have interests.
- Too quiet and boring. Look, I can be single and happy. If we are together, at least say something to me. I love banter. Make me laugh.
I could keep going. But there are deal-breakers that should never change, and then there are those that require flexibility. Understand that you are dealing with a person, a human being who is not perfect. And yes, you aren’t either.
Ultimately, deal-breakers are subjective issues even though society sits on its high horse and judges. You can make all the lists in the world, but when love calls, you answer without thought. Do not ignore the red flags. Understand humanity. People are people, not lists on a paper. A life spent in love is a life well lived.
Says Tafadzwa: “It’s all subjective and dependent on multiple factors. What one can let slide with this partner can be a deal breaker were they dating someone else. So, in my analysis the only time you should leave someone is if being with them is going to be doing more harm to you than good. If you would be happier without them, that’s the time to throw in the towel …”
Tafadzwa scored again! I would like to hear from you about your deal breakers and what you won’t compromise on.
